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before I go and read old entries (it's been a while since i've logged on) i think i should write about the last couple months.
I hate to think that I've had another minor relapse. I don't want to call it relapse. But I stopped eating and I lost about 12 lbs. I was 163.4 this morning (that is before going to the bathroom so it's a little less). My lowest was 158-point-something (I was around 170 before this all started). I haven't been watching it very closely or tracking it at all, like last summer, which I guess is a good sign. But I definitely wasn't eating. It started after I went to detroit with my family. coming back on the plane i felt a sinus problem happening. I thought that maybe the pressure from the elevation would push the cold deeper (it happens!) and that the congestion or the sickness, ok, the post nasal drip, would keep my appetite down for a while. And until just the other week it did. or i kinda think that may have been the cause. I was really hardly eating. And the weight was just dropping off really fast. It felt so good! It feels really good to not want food at all, especially when I'm so used to craving and binging.
What else was happening when it started? I was getting really frustrated with the no wheat no dairy. also i had a little scuffle with my roommate about it. she was just being pms-bitchy (she said herself later) and was challenging me on the logic behind it. she apologized later, but it made me think some, i guess. i was tired of it, thinking about giving in and eating something wheaty. but i didn't break down. i stopped eating altogether instead.
also, i was feeling stressed. i had been snacking a lot before and during the trip, i think, because of family stress. and then january got really busy, with stuff scheduled every day of the week. that made it so easy, it felt, not to eat. i could skip dinner because i was busy and then when i came home it was already time for bed, and i was more tired than hungry.
i had a strange time on new years, and got pretty emotional about some guy stuff, even though i knew that the emotions were out of whack with what i knew (and know) to be my feelings about the situation. i was getting caught up, and feelings of jealousy were confusing me. i didn't want them, i prefer to feel like i do now. it's pretty strange, actually, how those negative and territorial impulses have just left me. i feel so good about the situation now, and nothing has really changed outwardly, i just feel much, much better about it. the bad emotional part was before going away, though. since i've come back the feelings have been much better.
what else? work is getting draggy. still is. i guess in january, was there something a little more exciting? i guess i was a little busier than i have been in the last week.
i didn't intentionally fast at all, i ate whenever i wanted to. but i wasn't eating. just drinking coffee instead. it felt good. i remember last summer, part of why i started eating again was because i couldn't not eat without charlotte noticing. now no one at work would notice or care.
then i ovulated. i'm sure, i had some signs. and then i started being really hungry and feeling pms-y cranky. but then the cranky lightened up a bit, but my appetite is still up and i'm gaining a few pounds. and i've been eating some chocolate that i shouldn't (it has dairy in it.)
i'm so impressed with my range of mood and emotion. i'm really aware of my inability to retain perspective, but i also feel like i'm getting better at it. i'm admitting that it is impossible, and i'm getting better at dealing with it. getting better at talking myself down when i'm angry, etc. getting better at not getting swept away. getting better at not doing or saying things i know i'll regret later.
I haven't been officially depressed in years, and haven't been on anti depressants since last february. i wonder if that has to do with the wheat thing? wow, it's been a year of antidepressants. that's amazing.
Also, i'm drinking this tea that my roommate brought back from thailand. i was thinking maybe that it actually is what was suppressing my appetite so much, in which case it's an absolute wonder tea. it makes me worry, though, that i am doing something really unhealthy for my body. like, maybe it has lead or arsenic or some poison in it, and that's why i was losing weight. but i'm still drinking it and it's not working obviously, so it's probably nothing. it's just flowers (chrysanthamums or something?)
what else? friends have been good. drinking a lot of coffee. i have been getting out a lot. getting out a lot is good for me. it gives me perspective. still don't really like anyone that much but that's getting to feel more and more normal. getting to be very happy with enjoying the good stuff and not dwelling on the bad, and not expecting more from people than what they are.
getting a couple compliments on my body lately, that feels good. the guy commented out of no where that i was looking good - that was nice - and i work a fancy dress and got a lot of compliments last night. but i didn't feel hot in that dress. i just felt huge. i still feel huge. not fat, i know i'm not fat, not even chubby any more, but i'm still a really big girl. i've been feeling really ugly lately, too. facially. my skin was doing pretty well before the pms-y started, and now i'm all disgustingly broken out again. hate it. and i'll just never be pretty, i'm really weird looking. but it's ok for comedy! if i can just be thin enough to not be gross. . . i mean. . . what do i really mean. . . i want to have a nice, healthy body, that looks good on stage, that is strong and in control, that bends in funny ways, that balances, that is expressive, that moves gracefully and not awkwardly (unless i'm doing it for comic effect). moves nimbly. that can transform into characters. yea yea yea. i should focus on being strong. i should start doing some yoga again. concentrate on that.
oh, also, my room is a frickin mess. dunno that that has changed tho.
I hate to think that I've had another minor relapse. I don't want to call it relapse. But I stopped eating and I lost about 12 lbs. I was 163.4 this morning (that is before going to the bathroom so it's a little less). My lowest was 158-point-something (I was around 170 before this all started). I haven't been watching it very closely or tracking it at all, like last summer, which I guess is a good sign. But I definitely wasn't eating. It started after I went to detroit with my family. coming back on the plane i felt a sinus problem happening. I thought that maybe the pressure from the elevation would push the cold deeper (it happens!) and that the congestion or the sickness, ok, the post nasal drip, would keep my appetite down for a while. And until just the other week it did. or i kinda think that may have been the cause. I was really hardly eating. And the weight was just dropping off really fast. It felt so good! It feels really good to not want food at all, especially when I'm so used to craving and binging.
What else was happening when it started? I was getting really frustrated with the no wheat no dairy. also i had a little scuffle with my roommate about it. she was just being pms-bitchy (she said herself later) and was challenging me on the logic behind it. she apologized later, but it made me think some, i guess. i was tired of it, thinking about giving in and eating something wheaty. but i didn't break down. i stopped eating altogether instead.
also, i was feeling stressed. i had been snacking a lot before and during the trip, i think, because of family stress. and then january got really busy, with stuff scheduled every day of the week. that made it so easy, it felt, not to eat. i could skip dinner because i was busy and then when i came home it was already time for bed, and i was more tired than hungry.
i had a strange time on new years, and got pretty emotional about some guy stuff, even though i knew that the emotions were out of whack with what i knew (and know) to be my feelings about the situation. i was getting caught up, and feelings of jealousy were confusing me. i didn't want them, i prefer to feel like i do now. it's pretty strange, actually, how those negative and territorial impulses have just left me. i feel so good about the situation now, and nothing has really changed outwardly, i just feel much, much better about it. the bad emotional part was before going away, though. since i've come back the feelings have been much better.
what else? work is getting draggy. still is. i guess in january, was there something a little more exciting? i guess i was a little busier than i have been in the last week.
i didn't intentionally fast at all, i ate whenever i wanted to. but i wasn't eating. just drinking coffee instead. it felt good. i remember last summer, part of why i started eating again was because i couldn't not eat without charlotte noticing. now no one at work would notice or care.
then i ovulated. i'm sure, i had some signs. and then i started being really hungry and feeling pms-y cranky. but then the cranky lightened up a bit, but my appetite is still up and i'm gaining a few pounds. and i've been eating some chocolate that i shouldn't (it has dairy in it.)
i'm so impressed with my range of mood and emotion. i'm really aware of my inability to retain perspective, but i also feel like i'm getting better at it. i'm admitting that it is impossible, and i'm getting better at dealing with it. getting better at talking myself down when i'm angry, etc. getting better at not getting swept away. getting better at not doing or saying things i know i'll regret later.
I haven't been officially depressed in years, and haven't been on anti depressants since last february. i wonder if that has to do with the wheat thing? wow, it's been a year of antidepressants. that's amazing.
Also, i'm drinking this tea that my roommate brought back from thailand. i was thinking maybe that it actually is what was suppressing my appetite so much, in which case it's an absolute wonder tea. it makes me worry, though, that i am doing something really unhealthy for my body. like, maybe it has lead or arsenic or some poison in it, and that's why i was losing weight. but i'm still drinking it and it's not working obviously, so it's probably nothing. it's just flowers (chrysanthamums or something?)
what else? friends have been good. drinking a lot of coffee. i have been getting out a lot. getting out a lot is good for me. it gives me perspective. still don't really like anyone that much but that's getting to feel more and more normal. getting to be very happy with enjoying the good stuff and not dwelling on the bad, and not expecting more from people than what they are.
getting a couple compliments on my body lately, that feels good. the guy commented out of no where that i was looking good - that was nice - and i work a fancy dress and got a lot of compliments last night. but i didn't feel hot in that dress. i just felt huge. i still feel huge. not fat, i know i'm not fat, not even chubby any more, but i'm still a really big girl. i've been feeling really ugly lately, too. facially. my skin was doing pretty well before the pms-y started, and now i'm all disgustingly broken out again. hate it. and i'll just never be pretty, i'm really weird looking. but it's ok for comedy! if i can just be thin enough to not be gross. . . i mean. . . what do i really mean. . . i want to have a nice, healthy body, that looks good on stage, that is strong and in control, that bends in funny ways, that balances, that is expressive, that moves gracefully and not awkwardly (unless i'm doing it for comic effect). moves nimbly. that can transform into characters. yea yea yea. i should focus on being strong. i should start doing some yoga again. concentrate on that.
oh, also, my room is a frickin mess. dunno that that has changed tho.